As an 18 year old, it seems as though the concept of virginity has washed through my peers like a plague. Suddenly, after hitting 16, it seemed as though everyone developed a longing to be seen as ‘cool’ and that was achieved by having sex.
Is it possible that the sexual revolution of the 1960s has since been manipulated by the modern day? While a lack of repression and prudence surrounding sex is necessary in order to promote safe sex and maturity, modern day sex-culture (especially in teenagers) has been taken to an extreme. No longer is sex a choice, but a pressure. If it is revealed that you are a virgin, you are met by “oh that’s admirable”, “lets get you laid” or another kind of patronising, demeaning comment to make you embarrassed.
It seems as though being a virgin has connotations to not being attractive, being a prude, being innocent, and being void of any ability to talk to your preferred sex. When in reality, it is just an experience some people have not lived through yet. It’s like any other activity, playing the piano for example. Some people play the piano, some don’t, some will in the future and some won’t. Too much value has been placed on sex,elevating it from just an activity to an important experience every teenager must go through as soon as possible. This leads to problems. In a fight to be seen as adult, teens race to have sex with whoever is willing-not stopping to contemplate their own value which can lead to a variety of self-esteem issues. Especially with girls, this leads to a lack of enjoyment and pleasure-one of the most fundamental reasons someone has sex. Within youth culture, I have found, that the reasons an adult has sex and the reasons a teen does are two completely different things. A teen has sex, more often than not, to say they have done it and “get it over and done with” (a phrase I have heard one too many times). Whereas, an adult has sex for enjoyment or procreation-the fundamental reasons why someone may do it. Sexual freedom has moved away from the right to choose and the right to freely talk about eroticism, but to get rid of your virginity as quickly as possible in order to fit in.
Now, not every teenager is the same. There are plenty of teens who have sex for their and their partners pleasure. Not everyone feels as though they should. However, it seems as though the majority place an unnecessary weight to the concept of virginity.
The sexual revolution had heavy links to women’s rights as it was once seen as taboo for a woman to be sexually free. While this prejudice still exists today, I have found within a lot of my female friends that they have felt a need to sex in order to be seen as more mature and experienced by guys. This is also the same for a lot of my male friends I have spoken to. The core message of the 60s revolution has been exploited and the original aims have been abandoned. Girls end up devaluing themselves rather than being empowered by having sex and the majority receive no enjoyment. But how did it start? How has modern day sex-culture led to this pressure? This is still a question that needs answering.
What caused me to write this piece today was a drunken comment one of my friends made. She said “imagine being 18 and a virgin”. While it was clearly a joke and no harm was meant by it, it was yet another example of the pressure-culture surrounding sex in today’s youth. Me not having sex is seen as a negative and something to be ashamed of. It is an area of weakness that my friends can exploit without knowing any of the personal reasons as to why. While, first and foremost, my virginity is none of their business, it is also not interesting. The value that is placed upon it is the value it holds. It sounds obvious but it seems that far to many people don’t think about it enough. To me, sex means nothing. I am not going to go out of my way to get it but I am also not going to deny it if the time comes around (and is right, of course). That being said, to a religious person, they may place more of a value on it due to the concept of purity and sex before marriage. My friends, and a lot of other people I know, have placed so much value on virginity but in a harmful way. They are not being sexually free, but sexually repressive by putting pressure onto someone to have sex without considering reasons as to why they have abstained. This, more often than not, is via jokes.
This problem won’t be solved unless people talk about it. However, there is a fear, one I have experienced many times, of coming off as preachy. I don’t wish to portray myself as better than another person for not conforming to a societal standard. Nor do I wish to push my views upon others. This concern has been especially exploited by media as within shows and films, there is usually a preachy, political (and typically feminist) character who pushes their views upon others which results in them not being liked regardless of whether any of their arguments had any importance. A fear of becoming that character has kept me silent which has led me to fall victim to modern-day sex culture. I have considered “getting it over and done with”, I have done things just to say I have done them (which I didn’t enjoy at all), and I’ve put myself in very uncomfortable situations just to fit in. Not one of those instances did I enjoy and it usually just led to feeling violated. Yet, I cannot express that as I don’t want to demean anyone’s sexual lifestyle or shame them for having sex. There is a fine line to walk and it has to be done delicately. I only wish to discuss the reasons teens have sex and whether it is what they truly want, or what they think they want.
So, in conclusion, if you are reading this and you are worried about having sex or people finding out if you’re a virgin, relax. No one really cares. At the end of the day, humans are innately selfish and will care more about their own stories than yours. Put as much value on sex as you want but be mature and careful and try your best not to conform to a ridiculous pressure over something that is made up anyway.